The Dog Star
by dancingpen808
Summary: Pre-Wolfstar at Hogwarts...Remus and Sirius both have feelings for each other, which they are forced to confront after a passionate kiss during a party.
1. Chapter 1: Waking Up

_**Chapter 1: Waking Up**_

_**~Remus~**_

I open my eyes, taking in the hard black darkness. My throat is dry and the skin on my elbows shredded. Coughing twice violently, I sit up and immediately hit my head on the shallow ceiling. Frowning out of confusion, I reach my hand towards the roof and feel it's rough splinter. A little bit of material crumbles off in my hands, and raising it to my nose, I take a sniff. And just like that every gruesome detail comes flooding back at me. Gryffindor Common Room, late last night, whipping by as I sprinted out of it. The fat lady's outraged cry as her portrait slammed shut behind me. Running down the hallways and out through the secret entrance James, Sirius and I had found two years ago. And finally into the dismantled shack where my transformation completed and I lay twisted and raging until I slipped into a restless slumber. As my headache clears, my monthly mantra runs through my mind. _My name is Remus Lupin. I am fifteen years old and I attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My best friends are James Potter and Sirius Black and I'm in Gryffindor house. And I am a werewolf. _

A weak beam of sunlight begins to make it's way through the small tunnel entrance and I climb out, squirming through the small entrance and out into the pale blue sun, ready to fight through another day.

_**~Sirius~**_

As Remus walks into breakfast I inwardly cringe. His hair is mussed up, a long scratch tracing his cheek. Even though I can tell he's changed clothes, I can smell the earthy tone of dirt still on him and see a heartbreaking look of defeat in his light amber eyes. I keep my voice low as I quietly ask "Everything ok, Moony?" A quiet smile dances across his face at his nickname and he responds "As good as someone like me can be the night after the full moon." I nod, and the subject is forgotten as James launches into a complex description of his latest prank in the works.

We head to our first class of the day, History of Magic. Binns lures us into our usual stupor and I find myself staring out the window at a feather dancing in the wind. The doglike reflexes in me urges to transform and chase it, sprinting through the sunlight and into the lake. Drifting away in my fantasy I don't notice the other students standing up to leave until Remus nudges my arm.

"C'mon Padfoot, we're going to be late for Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Urgh do we have to go?" I groan letting my head drop onto my arms.

"Yes. Come on, I'm not giving you my notes for this class if you skip." It was such a horrible attempt at being stern that I almost laugh.

"Yes you will."

"Fine. But you still have to go." I laugh as he drags me to class. James is a few steps ahead of us, talking to Lilly. I snicker as she flips her hair in his face and stalks away, James returning to us abashed and red-faced.

"Quit mooning over her, mate she'll never say yes," I say. James scowls dejectedly and retorts "Yeah, like you'd know. You haven't had a real relationship with a girl since Kylee and that lasted what, a week?"

I flush. I have quite a player's reputation at Hogwarts, but in all honestly, I've only ever been with two or three girls, all of which happened before I developed feelings for someone else. That was when I realized I just wasn't interested in girls, that I had daydreams about a different person- Remus. None of my friends knew I was gay, they just assumed I'd kept up my old habits, but was more secretive about it. Remus is my closest friend in the entire world. James and I are close too, but there are some things I could talk about and share with Remus that I just can't with James. My thoughts are cut abruptly short as we arrive at the classroom and I realize that I'd tuned out Remus' and James' conversation the entire way there. Shaking my head in disbelief I walk through the doorway with the other two and take my seat, already composing my perfected and totally faked expression of mild interest as I open my books and look to the front of the classroom.

_**~Remus~**_

Laughing as James and I fall back into our comfortable pattern of banter and jokes, I study Sirius' face. After James' comment about girls, he fell silent, his expression vacant as his thoughts wandered away. I feel a small frown of concern cross my face and quickly rearrange my expression. Sirius is my best friend, and whenever he gets quiet I can tell something's troubling him. I silently promise to ask him about it sometime later tonight when we're alone. Sirius has trouble talking about things that hurt him, and it's something he only does in utmost privacy. He hasn't had the easiest life, by a long shot. Parents that beat him and treat him with open content have made him guarded and distrustful, which I think partly contributes to his long strings of one-night stands. As we enter the open classroom, I see him sit down, take in his attentive expression and sigh to myself as I take out another sheet of paper to take notes for him.

_**~Sirius~**_

Remus passes me a long scroll of paper as we exit the class and I smile in thanks as I look down at row after row of painstakingly taken notes. He winks, a quick 'no problem' and we continue through the day.

"-and then," James continues on, later in the common room, " we slip the dye into his hair gel and wait to see old Snivellus walk out with fuchsia hair!"

I chuckle. It's a good prank and James has us all set up with polyjuice potion and hair dye to sneak into the Slytherin's boys' dormitories. The night stretches on, and it goes by in a blur of play fighting and jokes until it's midnight and we're walking up to bed. Walking into our dormitory, Remus goes into the bathroom to change and James and I roll our eyes at his shyness. I pull off my shirt and begin to get changed as he comes out, then roll myself in covers and lay chatting with them while they get into bed.

_**~Remus~**_

I always dress in the bathroom. I'm not really shy, it's just that I need to brush my teeth anyway, so why not kill two birds with one stone? When I come out, in baggy plaid pants and a loose waffle t-shirt, Sirius' shirt is off. I avert my eyes and struggle to focus on putting away the multitude of books scattered among my sheets and choosing one to read. I'm halfway through a couple of fantasy books, but also deep into an old paper about Gamp's Laws of Elemental Transfiguration. I hear Sirius chuckle and look over at his form under the blankets.

"Must you be such a nerd?" He asks jokingly, long shaggy hair cascading over his deep blue-grey eyes.

"Shut it, Sirius."

"Or what?" He asks mockingly.

I grab my wand and flick my wrist nonchalantly and a snake about the length of a ruler appears on his chest.

He lets out a little scream and I vanish it as James and I erupt into laughter and he shakily joins in.

"Alright, alright Moony, I take it back!" he announces and I smirk. Crawling into bed I extinguish the lights with a quick spell and we lay awake for hours talking, until James falls asleep.

"Mate?" I ask, uncertain about the upcoming conversation.

"Yeah?" Sirius responds inquisitively.

" I noticed you were a bit off today. Is everything alright?"

"What? Yeah, just a little worried about Quidditch, that's all." I hear the lie in his tone, but don't want to push him too hard about it.

"I should be asking you though, mate," He says. "How are you doing with…you know….your furry little problem?"

I snicker. The term always makes me laugh even though in reality it's no picnic. "Not great, but I've had worse nights. I mean, I have to deal with your snoring." I try to pass it off as a joke and Sirius laughs.

"Fair enough. Night!" I hear Sirius turn over in bed and respond quietly "Good night, Sirius." It sounds creepy, but for a while I just lay there, taking it all in as his soft breathing turns to raucous snores until I drifted away.


	2. Chapter 2: The Prank

_**Chapter 2: The Prank**_

_**~Remus**_

The next morning is Saturday and I'm curled up in the dormitory with a stack of parchment and books, cramming for upcoming tests when Sirius walks in.

"What's going on, Moony?" he asks by way of greeting.

"Leave. Studying." I say curtly, not bothering to take my eyes of the pages of the book.

"Geez, you've been cramming for the past two weeks. Trust me , Moony, you've got this one in the bag."

"There is no possible way you could know that," I retort with a hint of impatience in my tone, looking up at him.

"Well yeah, there is. You always have it in the bag. I swear sometimes you get better scores than Lilly Potter," Sirius argued gently.

"We have four tests, two quizzes, a major project and a footlong parchment all due in a week. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS?" I half-yell, my voice rising towards the end.

"Woah, mate, calm down," he says, walking over to my bed. He sits down at the end and smiles. "You'll do fine. I know it, everyone else knows it, and deep down so do you. Now c'mon, it's a beautiful day and James is going to ask Lilly out again. You know how funny that will be."

I chuckle weakly. "Thanks, Padfoot. Sorry for yelling."

"Don't even worry about it, mate." But he lingers at the edge of my bed, staring into my eyes. His are a stormy blue-green and I feel my cheeks grow warm as he looks at me. Finally he breaks the stare and turns to leave, and I with a silent gasp of air I realize I hadn't been breathing. I gulp as my heartbeat begins to slow down and decide to climb out of pajamas and join my friends outside.

I pull on a shirt and loose jeans and study my reflection in front of Sirius' full-length mirror. I'm lean and lanky, with tawny hair and a roundish face. My shoulders are slender and I'm thin but with no discernable muscle tone whatsoever. A light spattering of pale freckles and hazel-brown eyes top my face and I shrug on a jacket and head for the door.

_**~Sirius~**_

Outside Remus is more relaxed and I'm glad I was able to calm him down. His hair has been brushed from its just-out-of-bed-wild-child look into something calmer and he's changed out of his pajamas. As he trots across the stone courtyard towards me, I wave in greeting.

"You nearly missed all of the fun," I said, grinning as I point over my shoulder at James nearing Lilly and a group of girls.

"How could I pass up an opportunity to see James thoroughly and utterly humiliated by a girl?" he grinned.

James neared the group and after much pleading managed to coax an irritable Lilly off to the side. Moony and I snicker as he pulls out a bunch of roses and blushes a deep maroon as he asks her to go with him to Madame Puddifoot's for a date.

"Sorry, but no," the faint response of cold indifference came drifting back to us and we try our best to look empathetic without cracking up, but failing miserably.

"You guys suck," He stomps past us and more silent peals of laughter burst out.

By dinnertime, James's gotten over it and we're ready to put our plan into action. We hustle into an unused classroom, our footsteps echoing loudly on the cracked stone floor. Remus ladles out portions of polyjuice potion and James produces the hair of three first years who happened to be unlucky enough to be wrongly accused of a prank and then sentenced to detention.

I guess I should feel bad, but whatever. They were making fun of my hair.

I drop my hair into the vial and watch as it turns an unappetizing shade of orangeish brown. Bracing myself for the taste, I pinch my nose and down it in one gulp, wincing as I swallow.

"Merlin, that's stuff's horrible," James moans, now in the body of a scrawny blonde Slytherin clothed in comically large Gryffindor robes. I produce our robe changes from my bag and we all pull them on, then clean up the evidence of our being there. I hustle the other two out of the room and we begin to run through the castle, following our Marauder's Map to the Slytherin Common Room.

_**~Remus~**_

We quickly slip into the fifth year boy's dormitories and locate Severus' stuff. A large pot of hair gel sits on his bedside table and we snicker as James stirs in the dye, clear on appearance, but bright pink when applied to hair. The responsible guy in me sighs at such a childish prank, but the part of me that's best friends with James and Sirius can't help but grin as James closes the lid and he, Sirius and I exit the room.

Outside the Slytherin common room and tucked into another unused classroom, we're still laughing, but the potion has started to wear off. It's comical seeing James with a bright shock of blond hair and Sirius' curly locks a deep ginger.

Eventually we all regain our normal body shapes and the robes that Sirius "borrowed" begin to feel uncomfortably tight.

"We'd better change," I said to the other two.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I heard Sirius' seam rip. Maybe you should lay of the Cauldron Cakes, eh Padfoot?" James teased.

Sirius snorted in mock amusement and pulled our robe changes out of his worn leather messenger bag.

"C'mon guys let's get going. There's a party in the Gryffindor common room and I promised we'd get the food." Sirius remarked. As we all pulled off our Slytherin robes and placed our Gryffindor ones on, I groan. I hate when James and Sirius steal from the friendly house elves in the Hogwarts kitchen.

"Oh lighten up, Moony. It's not like they don't want to give us the food." I raise my eyebrows but say nothing in response and the three of us leave the classroom, heading for the secret passage to the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3:The Party

_**Chapter Three: The Party**_

_**~Sirius~**_

A crowd of people move their hips in unison, waving plastic cups of butterbeer high in the air. The sound of heavy metal wizard rock pounds through my ear drums as I scan through the common room for my friends, a plate of chocolate frogs and éclairs in one hand. The party's been a huge success, everyone in attendance gone wild.

As I look through the crowd I see James snogging some redhead and almost do a double take, thinking it's Lilly. But then I see her chatting with friends at the opposite end of the room and smirk. I didn't want to interrupt whatever James might have going on that night, so I looked for Remus. The rest of the partygoers probably wouldn't have noticed his absence because parties weren't really his thing.

I grab a bottle of Butterbeer and two cups with my other hand and begin to walk up the stairs to our dormitory.

When I enter the room is dark but I see a faint glow coming from inside Remus' curtains and assume he must be lying awake reading by the light of his bedside lamp.

"Moony, mate, you alright?" I call out, but he doesn't respond. Walking to his bedside, I pull aside one of the curtains.

As the red material is pulled back, he looks up from the pages of a worn muggle book, then scrambles for his wand, holding up one finger as a sight of "one minute!" Waving it, I assume he's lifting a silencing charm and nod.

"Sorry Padfoot, the noise was getting to me." I nod in understanding then say "Scoot over." He looks at me quizzically but I just sit down next to him.

He's wearing loose flannel pajamas, the kind that old men wear, and absolutely couldn't be cuter, an inquisitive look in his eye and his hair slightly mussed up.

I pour two glasses of Butterbeer and give one to him.

"You know I'm not big on drinking, Sirius-"he starts, but I cut him off.

"Yes. But right now I'm telling you to quit being so responsible and drink it." The corner of his mouth twists the way it does when he's thinking and I almost smile, but then remind myself not to.

_**~Remus~**_

I don't know why Sirius is so insistent about the butterbeer, but I take it and slowly sip at it. For a while all we do is sit in silence on my bed. I can see the toned muscle underneath his tight black shirt, thanks to hours of Quidditch. Sirius turns his head abruptly towards me and I quickly try to pretend I wasn't looking.

I clear my throat. "Uh, you have a piece of lint on your shoulder," I quickly say, then pretend to flick the nonexistent lint off. I swear I can see the corners of his lips turn up in a smile, but suddenly it's gone.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius asks suddenly. It breaks the silence so abruptly that for a minute I don't know how to respond.

"Talk about what?" I ask, raising one eyebrow.

"You're my best friend, Remus, and I'm pretty sure that I'm yours. I know when something's wrong." I fall silent, not knowing what to say to that. He seems to understand and doesn't speak, giving me time to think.

"There's just some stuff going on right now that I don't really want to think about," I say as my voice cracks. Sirius gives me a long, searching look with those deep gray-blue eyes and then looks away. Of course, he was what was "going on" in my life, and that was something that I could never tell him.

A few minutes later he speaks.

"Truth or Dare?" He asks and I start at the random nature of the question.

"What?" I ask.

"We're having a party and you're going to tell me you're not going to play truth or dare? C'mon Moony, you know I'd never let that happen."

"Truth." I say warily. He thinks for a minute, then asks me.

"Who was the first person you thought you loved?"

_**~Sirius~**_

I study his face as I asked the question, watch his expressions as flicker from surprise to confusion to a dreamy composition of thoughtfulness.

My heart sank. So he had loved someone. Or, worse, was in love with someone.

I watched him open his mouth, pause for a moment and then close it.

"I- I've never loved any of the girls I've dated, Sirius." He sounds nervous as he speaks and a flood of relief washes over me.

"Really?" I can't help but ask. "None of them?"

"Well, for one thing, I've only dated three. For another, one question at a time, Sirius." He answered.

"Fine. Um… truth," I said.

"What's the one thing you hate about me?" His voice was quiet, but almost eager. I frowned in confusion.

"I don't hate anything about you, Moony." I said solemnly. And it was true. He was perfect.

"C'mon you have to answer," Remus persisted.

" Fine. I hate how you're self conscious." Remus' yellowish brown eyes watched me for a second too long to be normal, then said "Dare."

"Dare? I'll have to think about that one. Give me a sec," I said.

Remus' light brown eyes flickered in anticipation and I smiled. He was just so unbelievably cute.

"I dare you to….um…brush my hair." Remus rolls his eyes then laughs. I hand him a brush and close my eyes as he runs his fingers across the top of my head.

_**~Remus~**_

I can't help but laugh when Sirius asks me to brush his hair. It's probably the thing he's proudest of, his crowning achievement. He hands me his treasured bamboo brush and I smile to myself as he closes his eyes.

I gently run my fingers over his scalp and through his mess of curly black locks. It's all so soft and smooth. I slowly begin brushing, starting with one section and then the next, feeling his soft hair slide across my fingertips.

Under my fingers I feel him shiver and I pause for a second, daring to let myself believe it's for the reason I want it to be. But that fleeting moment of hope passes and I finish brushing his hair, willing myself to forget how soft it felt and its tranquil smell of vanilla.

_**~Sirius~**_

As Remus slides his fingers over my head, I shiver involuntarily. I feel him freeze and my eyes widen as I silently pray that he doesn't think anything of it. A moment later he resumes brushing, finishes, and scoots back over to his side of the bed. The awkward tension is gone, and I clear the silence with a "Truth."

Remus is silent for a while, and I wonder what he's thinking. Finally he says, "Are you currently, as in right now, in love with someone?" I close my eyes, wondering what to tell him. Wondering if I should tell him. After contemplating for what seemed like hours I felt I had to say something.

I close my eyes and say, simply, "Yes." I hear the unspoken question in Remus' voice, hear him asking me to go on, but I can't. After a moment of silence, I say "Truth or Dare?"

He seems to realize that I don't want to talk about it and says "Truth."

"What do you hate most about me?" I try to ask the question as if I don't care, but I can hear the shake of my voice and am sure he can too.

He thinks for a minute and says,

"I honestly don't hate a single thing about you, except that you never let yourself be vulnerable. I hate that so much has happened to you to hurt you and that you'll never let yourself trust again." It was blatantly about the question before and my silent refusal to continue, but to some degree it was true. It was hard for me to trust even my closest of friends, no matter if they'd always been loyal to me or not. I vowed to myself to take one last risk and see who I could trust and who I couldn't.

"Truth or Dare?"

Remus seemed concerned that I hadn't responded to his question, as if he thought I was mad at him. But finally he said "Dare."

I swallow nervously. I know I'm not ready to do this, but I also know I might also not get another shot. I reach over, take a drink of Butterbeer and turn off the bedside lamp.

"Sirius?" comes Remus' cautious question.

"You say I need to be vulnerable. Put trust in people. Well, here you have it. Remus I-I dare you to kiss me." It all comes out in a rush and when I'm done, the tension in the air is unbearable.

Then suddenly Remus is on top of me, his hands tangled in my hair, pressing his face against mine, so close we cane barely turns slightly and his smooth lips meet my rough ones. My heart is pounding fast and I reach my arms around him, pulling his waist even more towards me. His thin torso twists beneath my arms and he's pushed himself up on my chest, his soft light eyes staring into mine.

He opens his mouth, then closes it. I bite my lip, and we seem to both look away at the same time. I feel his gaze on me once more, but I don't acknowledge it. Then he's rolling off of my chest and onto the bed, his back turned towards me. And I get up and walk across the room, my heart sinking a little lower with every step across the cold floor to my rumpled bed.


	4. Chapter 4: The Morning After

_**Chapter 4: The Morning After**_

_**~Remus~**_

I tensed beside the tree as a tall figure with tousled black hair and an arrogant saunter crossing the lawn caught my eye. I drew against it, seeking to hide, when I realized it wasn't him. It was just Frank Longbottom.

I had been mistaking everyone for Sirius this week. I smiled wryly to myself, remembering mistaking one unfortunate seventh year girl for him.

"What are you grinning at, Moony?" The arrogant voice came over my shoulder, so familiar, so inviting. I froze, then turned slowly, meeting his eye for the first time in a week.

"Hey Sirius," I responded, unsure of what else to say. I didn't know where we stood- ever since I had leapt on him like that, and then watched him look away, all I knew was that I had made a mistake. Sirius must know now how I felt about him. I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it abruptly, unsure what I thought I was going to say.

_**~Sirius~**_

I watched Remus open his mouth then close it again with a sinking feeling. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. Remus was my best friend. Even if I loved him, I couldn't let that change things between us. But now I had.

That stupid, stupid kiss. It was so reckless, so unbelievably stupid. I knew I had ruined things between us, maybe forever. It all hit me, suddenly. Everything we had been through. Everything he had gotten me through. My parents. School. My trust issues.

I remember the day he told us about being a werewolf.

He was shaking, a heartbreakingly terrified look in his eye. He sobbed as he choked the words out. And then he ran out of the common room. And I chased him. I followed him into the Forbidden Forest and found him curled up against the base of a tree. I sat there with him for hours, my arm around his narrow shoulders as the two of us sat in silence, then drifted off. We had always been there for each other. I needed him as much as he needed me. And now, in one stupid sentence I had ruined that. I had destroyed the one relationship that kept me grounded because I couldn't control my stupid human emotions.

_**~Remus~**_

As I watched Sirius hesitate, I saw something flash over his eyes. An expression I hadn't seen in years, an expression I had come to dread and loathe. Because every time Sirius got that hard distant look in his eye, it meant he was shutting people out. Pretending things didn't matter, not letting them matter to himself.

And now that was my fault.

"Sirius-I…" I broke off, helplessly staring into his eyes.

"Sirius, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined things between us and I understand if you want me to stay away. But I _need_ you to know that no matter what you can always trust me to be there for you. No judgment, no disapproving stare. I'm there for you, even if you don't want me to be."

I finish in a rush, and end staring at him vulnerably. There was no going back. A frown slowly formed, marring the smooth, even planes of his face. I felt my heart slip a notch lower.

_**~Sirius~**_

I felt myself hold back a smile as Remus said my name, his cheeks coloring. He was so god damn cute. But that feeling faded as he spoke. As he poured out his heart and I understood that he thought it was his fault.

As he finished, I could feel a frown start to creep across my forehead and quickly said, "Remus, don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault. It's mine. I'm sorry…we were both drunk. You don't have to worry, I'm not in love with you or anything." The lie tasted bitter as I forced it through my teeth, wishing that I didn't have to do this.

"We were both drunk and it was a mistake. But you're my best friend, and lets be honest James isn't good for much when he's pining after Lilly- and as we both know that's pretty much his life. What would you do without me?" I finish with a grin, hoping he can't see the lie, the hurt in my eyes.

"What say we just forget this?"

_**~Remus~**_

I should be relived when I hear Sirius ask to forget it. But I'm not. I don't want to forget the kiss. My first kiss, with the only guy I had ever loved.

_Who doesn't love you back_, a hard little voice in my head said. It was true. By his own admission, he didn't. I composed a grin- not entirely manufactured, now that things could be normal again- and asked Sirius to update me on what humiliation I had missed while avoiding the two of them. _Lilly really was quick witted, _I mused as we strode out of the courtyard and back to the hallway.

We would forget this ever happened.


	5. Chapter 5: Normal

_**Chapter Five: Normal**_

_**~Remus~**_

Things were back to normal. At least on the surface. I still loved Sirius. I still couldn't shake the memory of his lingering hands gently caressing my face. But there was no further mention of that night, and we had become good at pretending it hadn't happened.

If James had noticed that things were different between us, he didn't say anything. So we kept quiet, and focused on other things. Classes had picked up, and I didn't have time to stew over what could have been.

I was spending a lot of time with Lilly Evans, and I couldn't tell whether James was jealous or ecstatic- he seemed to go back and forth. On one hand, she didn't treat me with half the disdain she saved for James. On the other, maybe I could do something to help that.

Lilly and I were both top in our class. We often studied together in the library, and for us classes were kind of a friendly competition.

"Hey Lilly," I said as I sat down next to her in the library.

"Hello Remus," she said with a wan smile. "Ready to study?"

"Uh yeah," I responded, reaching into my bag for the books I would need. I felt Lilly's eyes quizzical on my face and turned to look at her.

"What?" She didn't respond for a second, chewing her lip as if deciding to say something.

"No, seriously, Lilly. What?" I asked again, this time more invested in getting an answer.

"He loves you, Remus. You have to know that." Her voice came out low and apologetic as she spoke and I could feel the flames rising to my face as the words tumbled out.

"Wh-who loves me, again?" I tried to play it off as a joke but I could see that Lilly didn't buy it.

"You know exactly who," Lilly responded with a raised eyebrow, then lowered her voice as I didn't respond, "_Sirius." _I laughed unconvincingly.

"And since when have you and Sirius spilled all your secrets to one another?" I asked blithely but even I could hear a shrill note of uncertainty in the question. She gave me an irritated look.

"Remus, don't be stupid. We may not be friends, but even _I_ can see the way he looks at you."

"I dunno, Lilly. We're mates." I responded, again unconvincingly. I was really going to have to work on this whole lying thing if I was going to survive as an in-the-closet gay werewolf.

"_Really,_ Remus? Mates?" She said with a skeptical look. I avoided eye contact.

"Yeah. Mates." I said with a small shrug. "C'mon, Lilly, the test is in two days. Are we actually going to study or just gossip about arrogant Quidditch players? Because if so, I know one that would love to think you were talking about him…" I trailed off with a smirk on my face. Lilly's face darkened and she hurridley opened her books.

"So herbology!" she said brightly, eager to change the subject. I laughed a little but my heart was still racing. Her words echoed in my head and I kept repeating them, _He loves you, he loves you, he loves you…_

_**~Sirius~**_

James and I sat by the lake, on a small outcropping that curved over the surface of the water.

"Where's Remus?" James said suddenly, clearing the silence.

"I..uh..don't know," I answered truthfully. "I think he's probably studying with Lilly."

"Oh." He replied simply, staring across the lake. "Reckon he fancies her?" He asked suddenly. I looked up in surprise, then laughed a little.

"Remus? No, trust me he doesn't." James nodded distractedly, but I saw the tension in his face visibly clear.

"So, Sirius. Do you fancy anyone?" I looked up, a quizzical frown on my face and laughed a little.

"Me? No, mate. I've already dated all the girls worth dating here. I've got my sights set on bigger goals right now."

"Like?" he asked. I couldn't answer him with the truth- Remus- so I had to lie.

` "I dunno. Quidditch. We've got that match against Hufflepuff next week. Not failing. Figuring out how to murder my family and not get caught." I said half-jokingly. James laughed and the matter was forgotten.

` "Oh that's right, who's their seeker again?" he asked in reference to the Hufflepuff team.

"Some bloke named Barnabus Collins."

"Barnabus Collins?!" James said incredulously as he roared with laughter. "The poor bloke!" I laughed along with him, but half-heartedly. My true goal was one that could never be realized. I had to accept that.


	6. Chapter 6:Only That

Disclaimer: All of these characters belong to the woman who brought us all together in the first place, the magical J. K. Rowling.

_**Chapter 6: Only That**_

_**~Sirius~**_

I woke up with a headache stronger than firewhisky and a massive scratch on my cheek. Groaning and stretching as I sat up and rested my feet on the cold floor, I glanced over at Remus. He was still curled up in bed, his hair mussed up and his blankets twisted around him as if he had been tossing and turning all night. I felt a small smile curl the edges of my mouth and quickly squashed it, turning away and instead glancing at James' bed. It was empty, but it had been slept in.

I crossed the room to the bathroom and studied myself. My hair was mussed up and almost mechanically I reached for the bamboo brush that sat on the edge of the sink, then froze as I felt its weight in my hand. A sudden jolt ran through me as I remembered Remus's fingers light in my hair, stroking it gently with the brush that night. I hesitated for a moment more, then put the thought out of my head. We couldn't happen. I swallowed with resolve and brought the brush to my head. A scratch marred my left cheek and as I set the hairbrush down, I brought my fingers to the now-closed wound. Struggling to remember what had happened last night, I squinted at myself in the mirror.

I vaguely remembered James dragging me and Remus out of bed last night and tossing the invisibility cloak over our heads, running out of the dormitory and to the statue of the hunchback witch. The passageway was crowded and I could feel the heat coming off of Remus as he shuffled behind me. Laughing like maniacs, we sprinted down the street and it was snowing. The cold was bracing and as we tumbled into the warmth of the Three Broomsticks, grins still written across our faces like a love letter, Remus and I made eye contact. And it felt normal. Really, honestly, normal.

The rest of the night was a blur. I recalled full flagons of sloshing butterbeer and girls coming up to the bar. One flirted with Remus and he politely turned her onto James. The two were snogging two minutes later.

Staring into the mirror once more, I saw a bittersweet smile stretch across my face. Remus and I could be friends again. But only that.


	7. Chapter 7:Lilly

_**Chapter Seven: Lilly**_

_**~Sirius~**_

"Sirius!" a sharp voice rang across the courtyard. I turned to see Lilly Evans striding determinedly towards me, hair blazing behind her.

"Evans!" I called merrily. "And which stick this time up is your-"

"Don't. Even." She said, her eyes narrowing. "We need to talk."

"Sorry, Evans, the answer is no. Just not into dating right now." I winked and grinned at her. She scoffed in response.

"As if. Now if you're done being an arse we need to have a discussion."

"Fine, fine. Take it away, Evans." I said, raising my hands in surrender. She looked around furtively.

"Not here," she said, grabbing me by the arm and leading me through a hallway and into an abandoned classroom.

"Ooh, frisky," I teased, smirking. She shot me another look.

"Are you this annoying all the time?" She said witheringly. I thought for a moment.

"Yeah," I confessed. She rolled her eyes.

"Okay, not the point of the conversation. We need to talk about Remus." I frowned in utter confusion.

"What about him? Wait…do you two actually have a thing? James is going to be crushed…" I trailed off, muttering the last part more to myself than her.

"Yeah, and I'd expect you would be too if we actually did." She said with an eyebrow raised. I looked at her suddenly, my eyebrows furrowed suspiciously.

"Meaning what…?" I asked slowly.

"You know exactly what," She said, crossing her arms over her chest, "And so do I." I laughed a little.

"Look, if you think there's something going on with me and Remus then you're-"

"Right. What I am is right," She cut me off. "Look, Sirius, I'm not stupid. In fact I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you." I frowned in mock offense. She continued. "I see the way you look at him, Sirius. And I see the way he looks at you. You should have seen him when I confronted him about you in the library. He was blushing like crazy and didn't deny anything, just changed the subject. You two like each other, why haven't you done anything about it?" I laughed for a second, and then stared at her.

"You really have no idea, do you?" I asked, a wry smile across my face.

"What?" She asks, he eyes searching my face.

"Lilly, we, uh," I hesitate. "We kissed. Me and Remus kissed." I see pure shock spread across her face.

"What." She states, simply.

"You remember that Gryffindor party a couple weeks back?" She nods. "Well he, as usual wasn't downstairs with everyone else. I grabbed some beer and went up to hang out with him because…well, I don't know, I felt like it. Long story short, we got drunk and had a game of truth or dare. I dared him to kiss me. He did." I said the words hollowly because the memory was to painfully sweet to remember.

"So…you guys are dating now?" Lilly asked. She had lost her usual hard edge and for a second didn't seem like the cold shell she almost always was.

"No. No, I wish. After the kiss, we didn't speak for a week. Things were _unbelievably _awkward. But I-I don't know, I couldn't lose him." Lilly's eyes softened sympathetically. "I did what I had to do in order for us to still be friends. I told him that it was no big deal. I didn't love him and he didn't need to freak out or anything." Lilly nodded.

"But you do, right?" she asked, biting her lip. I looked away and sullenly nodded.

She crossed the small distance and sat down on the desk next to me. She was silent for a moment, and then spoke up.

"I get why you did it." She looked up, her green eyes meeting mine. "But you were wrong. You _love_ him, Sirius. That's a big deal. And even bigger, he loves you too."

"But Lilly, you don't know that! You don't get it, do you? If I go after him, if I make a pass one more time and he's not interested, do you know what happens? I lose him. And I lose James. Because I wouldn't make him hang out with me if it happened. And I don't know if I can survive that, Lilly. You don't- you don't know anything about me, or what's gone on in my life, you don't know how much I need them." My voice has dropped to a whisper, thick with held back tears and a lump in my throat. "If I lose them, I think I might die, Lilly." She stares at me for a moment, and then, suddenly and uncharacteristically, she turns and wraps her thin arms around me in what has got to be the only hug Lilly's ever given a guy like me. She breaks the awkward embrace and turns to face me.

"Okay. I'm not going to push you. But I think you need to know that if Remus knew the truth, he'd take you in an instant." I don't say anything and Lilly gets up to leave.

"And Sirius?" I tilt my head up in her direction and raise my eyebrows in acknowledgment. "Look, I know we aren't friends, and you don't really like me or whatever but even so. If you need someone to lean on, I'm here. No questions asked." I nod.

"Thanks, Lilly." I say quietly. "That actually means a lot to me." She nods with a sad smile and leaves and I'm left alone in the drafty classroom, with only my thoughts, empty desks and a mouldy sandwich rotting in the corner.


End file.
